Adrift in midlife

Evening goths/freaks/emos/loners but never losers.

Tis been a while. but that's a good thing. sometimes it's better to take yr time .. let things sift inside yr head and not try too hard to find a reason.

It's like I've learnt a little tiny bit more about myself. I enjoy drifting. I enjoy trying to chill out .. I enjoy the finer things. but that doesn't make me a cop out. I'm still the same.. 'rat in a cage'... I'm still the same zero. It's just as u get a bit older, it's hard not to pick up some life skills and well you know, get a bit wiser.

I spent 11 days in france. It was like heading back 40 years. No mobile, no net, no house phone. In the nights I'd sit in the garden and listen to the sound of the owls calling for a mate. Then i'd sip a beer and listen to Arcade fire - The Suburbs. Modern life.. it's hard.. it brings up so many contradictions, but it has its weaknesses. Try not mailing anyone for 11 days. You know what. It's easy. Again no txt's for 11 days. Simple.

I think i just want to drift a bit more. To live a life less ordered. A life of more spontaniety and and less constraints.

Something to consider. yeah.

Sleep tight beautiful people

d x

Everyday has its day

Evening all, goths, punks, freaks, loners but never losers....

Sometimes things don't go to plan. today was one of those days. stuck in a mutha of a traffic jam just to get into Cardiff. nvg. then just kinda got worse.

days like these, you learn to hope 4 better. guess we all have them. i'm having them more and more these days....

what does that mean? 2010 is a bad year. I'm a bad person? Conflicting emotional patterns between self and those I care 'bout. Dunnoh, all i know is that i keep hoping that things will get better. Life would be so much easier with faith, but for those like us without a higher power to guide us through the pavements and sidewalks it's all a matter of try , try try again. Maybe tomorrow I'm gonna paint over the cracks in the pavement....

Cheer up - sunshine..... yeah I know....wallowing in this don't make anyone happier...

listen to the music - it's angry as hell and hey, where there's energy there's hope. www.myspace.com/defianceofgod

D x

Clock go back - railway tracks....

Evening goths/freaks/emos/punks/loners but never losers

It's dark outside. It's been dark for hours. Kelly Jones once sang, 'clocks go back, railway tracks, its' that time of year again'. it's a pointer. One of those blots on the landscape that time our year. B'day. Xmas. Clocks forward, Clocks back, school out, school back, summer holidays. Halloween, bonfire night. yeah, it's a marker. But it's a bit more significant for this significant other. It signals change. Change is a coming. I keep needed to open doors in the house, to leave windows wide open. To turn the heating off. I look at the rain and hope it's sleet. yeah, it's wish fullfillment time. I want it cold. I want to see snow. I want it to sink into my skin and numb the pain. tonight on BBC 2 ray mears heads to Canada. Maybe he's right. maybe McCandless was right. Maybe Jack London Was right. The cold is a harsh and bitter mistress but when she kisses you feel her pull forever.

www.myspace.com/defianceofgod

D x (defiance of god)

What would Bill Murray Do?

Evening goths/freaks/loners/emos/punks but never losers

Life goes on don't it? That's the weird and v annoying thing, no matter how ***ked up yr own life is at any time, the world just carrys on regardless.....You can lie in yr bed crying 4 hours, or sleep in till noon each day, just hoping that things go away, but **it sandwhich. they don't. It's always there when you stumble outta bed and log on. It's hard not to buckle under sometimes - when you want it to go away, and ho hum, it's basically just one long big repeat scene from Groundhog day. Dunnoh. I ask myself, just what would Bill murray do? Reporter....he'd go to bed, wake up and get on with it, in his own way. Therein lies my session i guess.

Clearly the monday blues have gotten me, but that being said, i spend so much time looking for answers, wanting my troubles to go away, or if not go away for good, just pause for a day or two. And there it is, each time I spend days hoping and hoping - it never happens.

Me thinks the positive energys being trapped. I'm spending too much time worrying about **it I can't influence. But then again I spend so much time wishing I was somewhere cold, I dream of snow, I miss the feeling of ice cold breathe and the snap of the my lungs as the ice bites hard. Wasn't there snow and ice on the ground in Groundhog day - yeah there was!

All in all, i've got one weapon. Music as art, art as protector. Not much of a shield - but where's theres hope there's life.

www.myspace.com/defianceofgod

D x

Life is elsewhere no more - it's HERE!

Evening goths/freaks/emos/punks loners but never losers

Quite a hard couple of weeks of late. You may have noticed some changes in the world around you... that being said, I've decided to try and live life to the full, no more angry self loathing myself. Now it's time to make a ***king difference.

Next year I wanna play Swn Festival. Next year we're gonna do a live set on national radio. Next year we're gonna make a difference.

I'm here just the once so I'm gonna do everything I can to make a ***king go of this life. No more procrastination - I think - no more - life is elsewhere (milan kundera)...no ***k that. Life is here, it's here for the taking and here for the living.

Rant over. 3 new songs live - VERY rough demos - but in the spirit of the Sex Pistols, Nirvana, Young Marble Giants, it's up - up to show willing, to show the spark of a fire that never wants to die. www.myspace.com/defianceofgod

D x (defiance of god)

Sadness makes the heart grow older

Evening goths/punks/emos/freaks/loners but never losers.

It's been a shi** couple of weeks. No bull. BAD. On a personal front I'm just not gonna go into it in too much depth but somethings happened two weeks ago that just makes me feel so vulnerable. So small. So incomplete.

I'm welling up just now thinking bout it. Can't express it all too clearly except know I now, suffering is best viewed from the outside - and understand that pain is something that's making me force myself to grow up. When a situation is beyond yr control u feel helpless. All I know is the next few weeks will be bad and then it might just get worse.

Everything was ticking along just swimmingly, we'd done 3 rehearsals for the Cwmaman Music festival and then....freefall. You only know how much family means to you when it's removed. ***K....and ****king ****

Just doing the best I can right now. Listening to mellow music (Noah and whale first days of spring) and just putting 'it' all in boxes. Boxes that I will either choose to keep shut or boxes I will open one day far off in the future.

Speaking of time travel. A year ago last march I met Charlie Fink ...and I have to say within two minutes of him walking into the room I knew he was going 2 be famous. Like Real famous. Glad to know my powers of perception aren't weakening. If anyone can heal a broken heart Charlie can..... the album has some mixed reviews...but if don't make you cry - u ain't never had yr heart broken...

Sadness makes the heart grow older, that's what I say, and this old heart of mine is weary, heavy with memories of love too fleeting and love shared but incomplete. www.myspace.com/defianceofgod

Good luck to all bands and attendees at next weeks Cwmaman Music Festival. See you all next time = play it loud for us!

D x

Due to illness we are forced to cancel our gig at Cwmaman Music Festival

Sorry for this goths/freaks/loners/punks but never losers

Due to unforseen circumstances and ill health we are forced to pull ouf of the Rats In the Cellar gig at Cwmaman Music Festival.

Appologies to all concerned and sincere best wishes to all those taking part.

Best

D x